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iCrack.

Dear All,

Why?

You know what I can't believe? That I've been looking forward to uni for so long - the whole starting over process, going somewhere new and leaving things behind - when now that it's drawing nearer, I'm beginning to get scared out of my wits. I'm just so scared. I have no idea if I'm making the right or wrong decision - and I said once that there was probably no right or wrong decision, but what I meant was.... what if the decisions I make are so wrong that they leave me stuck? Is that even possible in first year Law&Arts?

I hate myself. Not literally of course, but now that I've chosen Law&Arts I'm like wtf...? Whatever happened to what I'd told myself earlier about following my dreams? Now I'm probably going to be stuck in a year of true educational hell doing something I don't even give a shit about. Omg. How could I have been so.... stupid?

I'm scared of a multitude of things actually.

Firstly, I'm scared that I made a wrong decision with the degree.

I'm scared of proceeding with it and turning into one of those black&white-thinking Law students with the matching shoes like Daphne told me about. I'm scared of losing myself. I've heard from alot of people that law school killed their creativity. Hell, I write. I want to take photographs. What if that should happen?

And of what will happen if I don't proceed with it. What if my future prospects are bleak with just an Arts degree, as most people say? I don't want to survive on bread and cheese for the rest of my life. And what if the Arts degree is the one that's wrong for me?

In short, I'm afraid of the future.

Whatever happened to not being scared? I told myself...

Secondly, I'm afraid of being alone. Uni is such a big place, and.... considering I know no one in any of my lectures. And uni will be hard to stomach without friends. Especially if we're spending the whole freaking day at campus.

Thirdly, I'm also scared of not being able to move on from.... you know. Him. I've been talking about it for months and I haven't been able to do it yet. I know I said I was making progress but that was really just a lie. I believed it before because I made myself, and because I knew I needed to steel myself against these absurd feelings but.... I....

I'm afraid that I won't be able to move on. I'm afraid that I will keep clinging onto him because of my loneliness. Not that I'm not already doing it. Omg. But what if it should increase in the coming year? I'm already starting to feel my heart gravitating away from me again and it must absolutely not happen again this year, seeing as I'm pretty much screwed even if I have both my head and my heart, let alone if I don't have one of those two. Bloody hell. And at the rate I'm going, I'm as likely to lose the former as the latter.

I said I wasn't going to be afraid of being lonely anymore. I thought I had it all sussed out but........ wtf! Wtf? Seriously!

...maybe I ought to go to sleep. I must be slightly out of my mind at this hour.

This is madness. How do people even survive the first year of university?

-Nix

PS. I've learnt that a new year changes nothing except your own determination to change things.

I don't know when my mine will run out.