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A first visit

Hello all. All in all, not too bad a day today. Was thoroughly depressed earlier in the day (the company of my ever-present family is slowly but surely getting to me), however had a short reprieve in the form of a game of pool with some church friends. It was good practice, and although I am still a n00b I was glad to discover that I had not gotten worse since I last played. Which was quite some time ago, yes.

Anyhow. After the brief reprieve, me and the rest of the fam drove to Purewa to visit my grandpa's burial plot. It was the first time we'd been - there had been alot of waiting to do, since Grandpa had to be cremated and then the plot chosen and finally the ashes laid down - not to mention nobody being free at the same time - so it took a year until we were finally able to visit it together. I did feel sad when we were there, although it wasn't really due to the loss of my grandpa, strangely enough - since I had dealt with that already. And I had already told you all that I felt the timing was right when it happened anyway. But morbidly, I felt saddened because I felt that the place seemed so peaceful and that whatever happened in the lives of all those deceased had been forgotten now, and that all that was left were the kind and lovingly (I hope) chosen words on their plaque. And to think that ultimate peace lay in death, or in a place of death! Although I must admit that it is not true for a large variety of reasons, even if I did have that fleeting thought....

It was a really nice place though. It didn't have much of a cemetery feel, but it seemed more like a really peaceful, well-lit, secluded and well-tended park with lots of trees where the memories of all those lives resided... the weather was quite good, not too glare-y with a gentle, comfortable level of sunlight. I think I would like to go there by myself sometime, just to think, write and have some alone time. Once I can drive by myself. But it also seems strange to me that if I went there alone, it would be so much easier "talking" to Grandpa (knowing that he isn't really there) compared to when he was with us still, and.... also quite sad how that is the case.

Yes. Quite sad.

Oh, I really have no more stuff that I can be bothered detailing on LJ so I suppose I ought to take my leave now and return to my mundane life.

I haven't slept all night.

It's the second night I did an unintentional all-nighter this week.

I haven't been able to sleep or eat properly since I came back to NZ.




Hm. Have finally gotten off my lazy ass today and proceeded to trawl through the NZ Herald online, Trademe and Seek.com in search of potential jobs. Not only have I not managed to find anything I like, but I have failed overall to find anything that I can possibly apply for. Everything either requires experience or a qualification of some sort, or at the very least a driver's license and a car which.... as we all know.... does not quite apply to me at present. Sigh.

And I've just received our 2008 yearbook! Flicking through it was nice and bought back happy memories of 2008 rather than the depressing ones. I've decided that I do not really miss Pakuranga. I mean, it was home, but now that I'm ready to move out the only thing that seems important is that I once belonged, and that's enough. I don't know. People have been surprised at my lack of sentiment, perhaps because I am often known as being quite sentimental, but somehow I don't feel the whole "missing" part of this leaving school thing. I'm just really glad to be able to get on with life. XDDD

Omggg. I've been so addicted to Facebook. XDD. When will this ever end?? But at least being addicted to FB is better than being addicted to Bebo by far.

Sigh. Yi Ma called today, and I realized that although I'm glad to be home in my own bed in good old NZ, I do miss being able to see my relatives everyday who I am really quite fond of. Uncle Corner is.... a little difficult for me to handle at times with his fiery temper, but I really like Auntie Jackie/Uncle Vincent and my two Yi Ma's. And not to mention my lovely cousin Karen (okay, so I know she's not mine exclusively, but yeah XD).

Well, the grass is always greener on the other side. What I can't change is that I'm home and I have to face LYF again in all its glory. I shall look forward to battling it again. Not that I haven't started already. XDDD

I just realized that I will be turning eighteen in three days.

How old.

I had completely forgotten about my birthday.

And oh my goodness, I sound like an old woman.

I just wonder, how do people keep that feeling of novelty around birthdays? I mean, of course I know it's meaningful and a happy occasion, but several birthdays down the road it just becomes routine and another thing that happens every year.

Maybe I ought not to take it for granted. XD; *Feels like an ass now...*

- Nix
Back from Ocean Park. Got owned by the pirate ship today. Thought it was minuscule, so opted to sit at the end with Ray. Bad idea. Was scared so shitless that I suspect I may have a really huge phobia for such things. Got Ray so scared as well. I think he thought I was going to pass out because I kept shaking and didn't manage even to scream or anything.... so. Never again. Lol. Am still a bit dizzy from it and the drop at Raging River - which is not an exaggeration, and that leads me to believe that I do have a really major phobia regarding this kind of stuff.... considering the unusual reaction I had/am having.... I mean, normal people don't get this scared when they go on amusement park rides. I don't think it's normal.

Ugh. I've never been so scared in my entire life. Never again.

So in the future, if we ever end up going to any amusement parks together please do not wheedle me into any of the rides. I'll be much happier if left to my own devices. Lol.

Also bumped into Mish, Shewa and Boris at Ocean Park. I wonder where Venus was? But anyway.

Sigh. Am enjoying my trip a little more now that we've nearly passed the halfway mark, but I still want to come home....

Think it is possible that HK may have changed me a bit - however, if that is the case I don't think I've changed in a good way.... rather, in a negative way. What really irks me is that apart from that, I've still retained so many 'things' from life in 08 that I had hoped to be rid of/to leave behind, being in a new environment and away from it all, but.... I don't really think that has happened. Which means that this trip has resulted in the addition of more negative things rather than the subtraction of them. Am rather hoping that all this is temporary though, and that I'll return to my normal state once I come home. If I do not change for the better, I hope that I can at least remain the same and be no worse off.

I've started reading The Legend of White Snake, and all these Chinese classics have given me so many ideas for our story. I've realized that they are actually incredibly invaluable when it comes to name suggestions, and where Chinese mythology is concerned.... I've also realized how different people were in the dynasties the books were written - their beliefs, way of thinking, the relationships and customs between different kinds of people. It seems to me that people were generally alot more simple-minded when it came to relationships back then........ or perhaps that's just the way the author portrayed the characters.

Like, how could Liang not have known how Yingtai felt about him after so many hints? They weren't even hints! They were so obvious that it was almost as though she'd told him outright. And even though she was disguised as a boy at the time, had it never occurred to Liang that even if she WERE a boy, she/he might still be in love with him? Just because she was [to his knowledge] a boy, that alone is not a good enough reason to throw all suspicions of love out the window.

And did Liang really love her? If he did, wouldn't he have loved her even before she disclosed the fact that she was really a girl? Wouldn't he have loved her even when she was still a boy in his mind?


I should be going to bed soon.

Miss you all muchly.

Love, as always,
Nix ♥


Dec. 9th, 2008

My goodness. I really need a new book to read. Sidney Sheldon is getting to me >____>

Watched another movie today after I came back from dinner (that was the only time we went out the whole day XD) -Wasabi starring Jean Reno and Ryoko Hirosue. I thought that was quite a good movie too, less emotional than Wa Pei.... I liked how it was kinda different since it was mostly in French and set alternately in Paris and Kyoto. Yes. It's worth a watch XD.

Sigh. I wonder what we're doing tomorrow? It's so late in NZ right now that even ANGELA has gone offline......... double sigh.

I need a life.



Dear All,

Hello. Today was the first day since I arrived in HK in which we just stayed at home and did nothing. I read a bit of Sidney Sheldon (and although I found the novel interesting to read.... I thought it was quite amateur-ish in alot of ways as well) and watched 畫皮 - Wa Pei on DVD which I thought was really good. It made me cry, lol. I dunno. It might be because I was in a crying mood anyway (not due to any reason, just because I hadn't cried in a long time XD) so yeah.


The shopping was relatively good yesterday at Mong Kok. And yes, I have resolved to shop there because things elsewhere are much too expensive and as it is, I already only have 350NZD to spend for the rest of these four weeks and will have to make do with that much. I wonder if I should just buy alot of small things, like jewellery, stationery, accessories, etc, or a few big items like clothes..... you know, considering the crappy exchange rate there is no reason why you should shop in HK save for the large variety of stuff available, since everything is pretty much NZ price or higher anyway. XD. It's a bit depressing but oh well. I don't suppose I can do anything to change it unless if I can influence the supply and demand of the NZDs (OMG eco).


Okay I don't know what to do with myself now. I'll go and read more Sidney Sheldon since hers in the only English book in the whole house -_-

Love, as always,

Rainbow Meme!

Your rainbow is shaded orange.


What is says about you: You are a strong person. You appreciate a challenge. Others are amazed at how you don't give up.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.



I did it again and got this:

Your rainbow is shaded white.


What is says about you: You are a contemplative person. You appreciate quiet moments. People depend on you to make them feel secure.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

I don't think either are very good representations of me..... lol..........


PS. Happy 18th Birthday Stine! ♥

Dying slowly in HK.

Dear All,

Please let me come home. I am literally dying here from shopping overload. I mean, it's been a week and already I'm bored! It's so difficult to buy clothes in HK for me now, since I'm not into Asian fashion anymore and I'm trying to find more versatile stuff that I'll wear for several years rather than trends that I'd only wear for one (I'm forced to be a bit more realistic this time since I actually have a budget.... XD), but so far..... to no avail. It doesn't make it any better that there isn't anything to do in HK but shop. My goodness. >_____> KILL ME NOW. I'm sure Angela would have a smashing time, since all the clothes here are the kind of stuff that she would wear, but for the kind of clothes I like I would be hard pressed to find anything for less than 200HKD. I was just lamenting all of this to Karen before, and she reassured me by saying she would take me shopping at places where I CAN buy stuff on a day off from uni, so I feel better.... but still. More shopping zomg.

I need my NZ clean fresh air and green grass and blue skies without all this crappy pollution save me now T____T

Although I did go to Muji today and spent a happy hour looking at all the cheap pens and notebooks.... they have really simple lines and styles but I'm in love with their stationary because it's so.... classic. I'm going to go back to APM one day and get the A5 visual diary with the brown cover and silver rings. THEY HAVE A SET OF TWO NOTEBOOKS AND A HIGHLIGHTER AND A GEL PEN FOR 7NZD, BUT I REALLY WANTED THE VISUAL DIARY BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I CAN BE MORE EXPRESSIVE WITHOUT LINES TO RESTRICT ME...... SO I ENDED UP BUYING A LOVELY BLACK INK PEN, AND ANOTHER BROWN/BLACK ONE, 0.5 AND HAVE DECIDED TO GO BACK LATER TO DECIDE EXACTLY WHICH NOTEPAD/DIARY TO GET.


No. We paid good money for our tickets to HK, I shall do my best to enjoy myself.

Good heavens. >__________________________________>

Dying slowly,


Saved from the 28th of Nov~

La dee da dee da. I can't believe Angela woke up at 12.45pm, the time that we were supposed to have met the others outside the hall! XDDD. This is why you set an alarm.... I would probably have overslept if I didn't set mine as well, considering the fact that I didn't manage to sleep until 2am last night. But then again, not really, because I jolted out of my unconsciousness round about 7.30am, and then again and again and again at half hour intervals after that....

Sigh. I really feel like going to yum cha! But a few days ago when me and Mum drove past the Mandarin Palace (is that even what the teahouse is called?) there was alot of smoke in that general direction, and when we got closer there appeared to be an ambulance of some sort.... so I suspect that they have caught fire again. But hopefully it's still open.

Now that everyone is our household is packing up to go to HK, it is almost impossible to find anything, eg) food, underwear and the likes of it. Our cupboards have been royally cleaned out, so much that I couldn't find anything for breakfast this morning and had to make do with a lone Ferrero Rocher that I've hoarded in my room for awhile now.... and what on earth are we going to eat tomorrow?

Oh no, and I forgot to clean out the bathroom like Mum instructed me to >_____>

*waits patiently.*

Did you know *is referring to Reader's Digest* that a Chinese couple tried to name their kid with this moniker: @ ? It's ridiculous..... another good one is 'Jermajesty' XDDD. And Kal-El Coppola. Audio Science. Pilot Inspektor. Like wth. XDDD


The result of a brief spell

Happy sigh. The second day of my holidays has gone by fairly well. I feel productive even though I've only really done a few things, most of which are obligations.... managed to return nearly all of my school texts, got my book back from Angela's, had Col over and webcam-whored lolz XD. Now I find myself with three books that I must read before I leave for Hong Kong (they are library books), and an increasing obsession with youtube.com, in particular the Vancouver Film School animated videos. Well. There are only so many of them to get through I suppose.

Hm. I don't really know what else to talk about.

Okay. After a brief spell sitting in front of the computer, I've decided that I might as well go off and do something else if I haven't anything to write about.

Oh. To have nothing to write about seems very foreign as well. I had been doing so well with my writing spree, filling in a new entry every day for more than a week, but now.... nevermind. I'm sure I'll have more to write once -

Oh NO! How on earth am I going to get computer access everyday in Hong Kong? If I cannot LJ everyday.... I mean, I don't suppose it's like I'll have much to LJ about while in HK anyway. I find that I write the most when I'm angry, depressed or frustrated about something, and I never find that I have much to worry about, relationships/family-wise while I'm in HK and still in holiday-mode. The only possible thing I really have to LJ about is if I get sick of being stuck with my parents, or if I find it exceeding awkward being around my relatives whom I really do not know that well. Or something to that effect. But I should be thankful for that, I know. To be taken away to a place where all these NZ-borne troubles do not exist! And to think that I didn't even want to go before, and would gladly swap places with anyone else just to stay here. Fool. *shakes head*

Despite the fact that my hopes had been let down the last time I went back, I wonder if I will meet any hot Asian boys...? Unlikely, considering I'm going to be with my parents the whole time. Oh bother.

I really wish Daphne was going back to.... but no fear, Angela'll be there! Only for a few days, but better than not at all I suppose. X3 ANGELA WE'RE GOING GUY-HUNTING, OKAY.

Hm. It's getting cold. I better go put a jacket on. Or I could snuggle up in bed and read The Sweet Far Thing...

Yes, I think I'll go do that instead XD.

Love, as always,

The last exam

IT IS FINALLY OVER. I'M SO GLAD. RELIEVED. EXHILARATED. After months of repression, I am free!!!!

So anyway. Went over to Angela's after Stats. Watched Cyborg She which had potential to be a brilliant movie, and although was good could have been better.... and went utterly insane on Karoshi Suicide Salaryman. By the time I left we were ready to kill ourselves, if we weren't before. Quote Angela: "WTH! YOU'D HAVE TO BE NINJA TO DO ALL THIS STUFF >______________>". So yeah. A happy end to the day. Although I really did want to read The Sweet Far Thing, which Angela kindly got out for me from the library but I left at her place.... so...... sigh.

Yeah. Can't think of anything much to say now. The veil of depression has lifted!!

And now that I'm free I don't quite know what to do with myself. >_______>


A minibreak from Stat-ing

Dear All,

Thank goodness for sleep. I do feel better this morning, and although I kept wandering off inwardly to daydream, I still managed approximately an hour of sitting at my desk and reading my Stats notes, so here I am taking a break. I will try not to stay past 12pm but there's really no telling I suppose....

Sigh. You know what? It's no wonder what Lady Macbeth went mad after not even being able to rest in sleep for like, months. What was that quote of hers? Something about sleep being nature's soothing balm. And she is quite right. She would know.

Hm. Ian's books seems awfully hard to digest, although he's said that Ernest Hemingway's ones are easy to. Nevertheless, if he's willing to give chick-lit a try then I will do the same too. Lolz. It is quite funny how we're subjecting each other to this XD

I am listening to 'Maybe' by Yiruma, and it seems like such a long time has passed since I last heard it earlier in the year. Brings back memories of summer. Both happy and not-so-happy ones, but yeah. XD

Yuss. Outing with my cellgroup on Thursday night, girls' lunch & Jap class BBQ on Friday, and finally church on Saturday! Hopefully I can spend the rest of my time at Angela's watching dramas and whatnot, since I will die if I have to spend nearly the whole week at home by myself. I mean, I have Ernest Hemingway and George Orwell to keep me company, but that wouldn't do for like.... six afternoons. No. I am determined that that shall not happen.

I was wondering if our planned novel will actually 'sing gwor'. I mean, if we relay it through email to each other I'm sure we will be able to write a lot provided we have the time for it, but... no! We said we were going to do it - or at the very least Angela and I did. We've never finished a collaborated piece (truth be told, I've barely ever finished any of my own pieces) - well, save Megan and Stine's HRH series, which was teh awesomest but which I didn't have a part in writing XD.

Man. I should be going offline now to do more work. I freaking hate Stats. Oh well. It'll all be over tomorrow and I will never, EVER have to touch it again. Yes. Thankyou.


F for Friends and M for McDonalds

Dear All,

Hello. I am feeling unsettled all over again, and so am back for another bout of writing therapy. Hardly anything is as calming as talking about virtually nothing, or the small aspects of your life in minute detail as though bigger things don't exist. And really, once you learn to ignore them, they don't after awhile. Then you are the one who is able to take control of your world, rather than the other way around.

I am aware that I probably do sound a little depressed, but I'm not really. Just slightly. Unsettled and in need of something. Or not. I shouldn't need anything.

I shouldn't need anything.

I shouldn't need anything.

Okay. Better now. More sane. Lol.

We have to talk about something. Anything at all.

Addictinggames.com is really not satisfying my appetite for games at the moment. I mean, when I go online I am generally bored because there isn't anything else to do, so I go on the games site but then once I am there I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I suspect that me and Stine have already nitpicked out all the good games, and the ones that are left suck. I used to do alot of quizzes online, and I don't quite know why but the novelty wore off. I decided that I knew myself better than the quizzes I took. Didn't need anything to affirm who I was. I think I need new cyberspace haunts.

Okay. I'll continue with my Alphabet Meme that I still have not completed, even though I only have a few things in total. Today, let's talk about friends.

I never really thought I needed friends back then. I mean, I had them, of course, and like any little girl there were always periods when one person was your best friend, then you had another one and so on until you got back to the person you started with again. I didn't have any guy friends, if any at all. The only ones I remember having until very recently were Raymond from church and Derek from Owairoa. I never really thought of friends as being a pillar of strength for me, but rather I simply enjoyed their company and liked having them around. It seemed so incomprehensible to me how girls would say that they "love" their friends and would die without them, or that their friends are their life. I just didn't understand it, wasn't capable of it. I don't think I ever even said that word [seriously] to anybody until just recently either. And that was only once.

But I think now that I've grown so much, I'm finally starting to understand the mutual dependence that true friends have. Honestly speaking, I have no idea how I would have survived this year if it weren't for you guys, whether you realize it or not. I mean, I would've lived and breathed my way through it, yes, but considering how hard the year has been as it is, it would've been literal hell without you lot. So thankyou all for sticking around and being there when I needed to talk or whatever. ♥

I was wondering recently how selfish a person I really am. Not seriously, but just as a brief afterthought on top of everything else. I wonder that in times of crisis or when somebody really needs me, just how strong would I be and how willing would I be to sacrifice things for that person? How much difference would it make if it was someone I really cared about? But I don't suppose we'll ever know until it really happens. As the saying goes, "you don't know how strong a teabag is until you put it in boiling water".

I must really learn how to touch-type. It is awfully inconvenient typing with two fingers. Although I can do it faster in my own way, it gets quite tiresome when your fingers get slack and start hitting all the wrong letters. Ray told me that he managed to learn how to touch-type in several months this year. I was really quite surprised because I didn't know that he'd only been learnt recently, and I quite admire his persistence in sticking with it. If it were me I would've been in agony and gone straight back to typing two-fingeredly within weeks, which if I remember correctly was exactly what I'd done the first time I tried learning how to touch-type a year or so ago.

And don't mind me, I know I'm rambling. I've just decided to stay here for as long as necessary until I get my head together lol.

You know, writing in my LJ sometimes feels almost like talking to myself, which is quite freaky. I wonder how much obsessive LJing will you have to do until you become pathologically insane? Of course, I'm not intending on doing that but....

Okay. This is not really working. I feel almost the same as when I started. Maybe LJing is like a drug. You have to write more and more in order to get the same kind of peace you crave from this writing therapy. So for example, the first time I might write four paragraphs. Next thing I know I'm rambling on for pages and pages and oh my goodness, what on earth am I doing here???

I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I might need company.

I can't wait to go to Hong Kong when I'll be away from all of this for four weeks.

But will it even help?


No, it will not. I can't lie to myself.

But that's okay. Everything takes time. I'll be alright eventually.

McDonalds' meals have gotten awfully small. I don't know if it's just me or what. Is it only because I've gotten older than everything suddenly seems so much smaller? (And I haven't gone insane yet, by the way. This is one of the topics I was told to write about in my Alphabet Meme XD.) Not to mention the Filet-O-Fish drier and less desirable as it used to be. Is this what it's like to grow up?

OMG. I have to stop being so... pensive! Of course, growing up has its merits too. You may start to see things as they really are, but then you're also less intimidated by things because they're not as big and overbearing as they used to be. You're more able and independent, and instead of being trapped in by things you start to be able to look over them and see what's on the other side. How far it really stretches. And that's empowering too.

Do you guys think you miss life as a child? I'm not sure I do. I think I was pretty unconfident and insecure and complicated even as a kid, whereas I'm much better now, so I'm glad to be out of that stage. But all the same, I think.... if I were to suddenly wake up my five or nine year-old self tomorrow, my past troubles would all seem very silly and trivial compared to what life is like now, although everything seemed to tower over me at that age. And now I realize it wasn't towering. I was just small enough to think that it was. And to think that things will only get more complicated and mess up as we make progress along this road called Lyf! What on EARTH would be running through my mind if I knew I made this entry, in ten years' time....

Okay. I can afford to mope around tonight but I really have to get my act together tomorrow, since it's the very last day I have to study for Stats. Yes. Things will be better tomorrow after a night's sleep, it always is. And I can't afford to go to the ruins just yet.

It is 25 minutes till 12.


The madness of slackdom

Sigh. I have no idea what I am supposed to do.

I have just.... run out of motivation to study. Yes, sure I can pass Stats. But my GPA will go down to the dumps if I keep this up and I even wonder if I care anymore.... and don't try to save me. I know I'm entirely responsible for this and I can blame and put no hint of responsibility on anybody else.

Anyhow. I was thinking that I would write you guys letters while in Hong Kong, but due to Daphne telling me that a) it's expensive, and b) it takes at least a week to get to New Zealand by normal post, I've changed my mind and decided that I might just rely on my trusty LJ instead. Which is much more impersonal and not nearly as fun as sending letters across the globe, but probably better in terms of convenience. And especially since I have to be watching how much money I spend.

Sigh. Feeling rather.... not depressed. Depressed should be a word only used in special circumstances which warrant the use or meaning of it. But I suppose I feel quite dead and *scans through mood list* pensive. Discontent. Restless. And I am not entirely sure why. I suppose I can put it down to a few reasons, but none of which I really want to confront and think I would be better off not thinking about anyway.

I had a conversation with an old friend today, and whilst it would be tactless if I relayed the whole conversation out here, I can tell you that it made me realize how cynical we both are about love and relationships. Not that it's a bad thing I suppose. People who follow their heart to a fault oftentimes get hurt badly. And after they recover they just do it all over again. But having bad faith in love.... that's not too good. Hm.

Oh dear. My vocabulary seems to be suffering in my current state. Pardon me.

Ai. I am actually getting rather tired by now but I still have to sort out the dishes. Although I am feeling better now after typing a whole load of drivel out here. Funnily enough, talking about a whole load of nothing makes you feel alot calmer about things.... therapeutic stuff. XD

Oh my goodness. What am earth am I going to do with myself tomorrow? I think I will die if I study Stats for two days, despite having church to look forward to on Saturday and Sunday if I go with Stine to Elim.... but how much can you study for Stats?? And I will surely go crazy if faced with it for an entire day. I mean, not that I haven't done it before but that was before this madness of slackdom overtook me and rendered me completely helpless to its powers.... I'm only glad that Stats, the subject I care about the least is my last exam. If it were something like English or Bio I would be royally screwed. -_-

Okay. It is nearing eleven and I am still talking about a load of nothing.

My gosh, how will I survive until I get on the plane to Hong Kong??

Wait. Going on a plane to a faraway country will not solve any problems. No.


Okay. There are some pieces of baked fish fillets that I can eat considering the fact that I am hungry now.

Nikki, what are you doing with your life >_>